A Confession...

Warning, things gets deep quite quickly...

Sometimes it scares me to think that I could just disappear and very few people would remember me or would acknowledge my existence years down the line. I haven't done anything to mark my place in the world, to make a difference. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't want to, it's more like I don't know how to. I want to be able to look back on my life and say 'I did that, and it made a real difference' or for someone in at least the next generation to say, 'do you remember Steph, she did this'. But time is slipping away and so far, I haven't done this yet, I haven't even come close.

I often think, in ten years time, twenty years time or however many years in the future, I could be doing 'this' and 'this' could be making a difference. But what about now? The future isn't certain so I'm not certain to get that chance, to make that difference. Yet in this day and age we have to stay in education to a certain age, we have to get the qualifications we need in order to do these wonderful things and make something of ourselves. I sometimes think 'what if we don't get past that stage, and we don't get to use our knowledge to make that difference, then what?' Do we just disappear after living a forgettable life? I don't want that to be me. 

Sometimes it feels a waste going through education after education to get something in the future rather than doing what I want to do now. It's hard to work out if doing something we don't like now is worth it to do something we love in the future, or if we should make ourselves happy now, since that is the only things that's certain, and potentially effect our choices and chances in the future. If we go for the latter option, our quality of life could be poorer and we maybe wouldn't be able to have such an impact on others because we don't have the power to be able to do so. It's like a viscous circle.

I have a lot questions and I don't know many answers, but one thing I do know is, I want to be remembered and I want to do what I love. Hopefully I will find my path, an enjoyable one whereby I can make a difference, not just in the future, but immediately, and make myself happy in the process. 

Love, Steph x

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