Contemplating Friendships

I decided to put this post up early and upload a different one at the weekend because I think it might be useful for a couple of my friends to read today...

Throughout my life, I've had a number of negative friendships which looking back on, I spent far too much time putting up with them. They weren't horrible but they were negative for different reasons. One significant one was within a friendship group whereby I could be comfortable and happy spending time with individuals but as a group, I spent a lot of time feeling awful. Their sense of humour and characteristics were to put other people down through jokes or comments which weren't meant to be nasty but felt that way to me and I think this particular friendship made me more bitter or sharp with other people as well which wasn't the kind of person I wanted a friendship to make me. There were a lot of comments made towards me that although they were made in jest, they affected me a lot and made me feel so much worse about myself but fortunately, I've not been a part of this friendship group for a couple of years now.

Another toxic friendship was one which lasted many years- so much longer than it should have done. It was very one sided, with me being there for them through pretty much everything and then not having the same returned. I wasted so many years being there for them, ready to listen and help through everything I could and then when they no longer needed me, they'd drop me for somebody else and would barely talk to me until they needed me again and this continued for many years. More recently, they'd cut me off from conversations and situations where they could, I don't know if that was intentional or not but it still made me feel quite down a lot, to the point where I couldn't be in their presence or hear their name without feeling either sad or angry, which made simple things difficult as I unfortunately had to see them quite a bit. At times, they could be very pleasant towards me and we could have quite an enjoyable time but for the most part I hated being a part of that friendship but I didn't want to cause an argument so I just put up with it. Recently, I was able to put the friendship to bed and move on for good which was quite sad to think about but was definitely the right move and has made me feel a lot more free and a lot happier with my current friendships.

Which brings me to now. After experiencing the above friendships as well as a few other toxic ones, I've reached the point where I'm surrounded by some of the best friends. I can honestly say there isn't one person I regret being friends with at the moment or that causes me to feel negative which is a relatively new experience for me. Whilst there are a lot of areas in my life that could do with being improved, I don't feel like my friendships are one of those things. I have a group of people I enjoy spending time with and can spend hours laughing with, people I can turn to and that I trust. The only negative thing about it is that it's come at a time so close to when we'll all be separating ways for university or whatever else we decide to do but I sincerely hope these friendships continue.

So to any of my friends reading this, I love you all lots and want to thank you for being so amazing!!! Also, thank you for cheering me up so much more than you realise by making a negative day have some really positive aspects. I'm also sorry if I ever seem like I'm pushing you away, I never mean to, I'm just not good at talking and keep things to myself instead which means I start to isolate myself and put a bit of a guard up. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you, it just means I'm finding it more difficult to do so at that time. I want you all to know how much you mean to me and what amazing people you are.

Thank you for reading this rambly post, I hope you've found it interesting or even relatable to your own lives.

Love, Steph x

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