University is a weird mix of emotions. The experience vastly differs from person to person but as someone who splits their time more equally than most, between home and university, I find that it also splits the emotions and guilt associated.
Whilst I make the most of being home and being in halls, there's always an underlying feeling of guilt.... guilt that I'm not with my family and sadness that I'm missing time and moments with them but then when I'm home, there's that feeling of guilt that I've left people back at the flat and that I'm missing time and moments with them. I want and for the most part, do enjoy my time in either location but it also brings a confusing mix of emotions, one I never quite know how to tackle or handle.
Preparing to go back after Christmas, I've been looking forward to seeing people again and looking forward to buying and cooking my own food so that I can have exactly what I fancy (of course, I love not having to cook everyday and think about it plus mum makes amazing food but it is nice to know the fridge contains everything you like/love). However, as it draws closer, the sinking feeling starts to heighten, knowing I have to say goodbye to my family all over again. Yes, it won't be long until I see them but it's longer than I'm used to and despite the odd argument, I love being at home.
I didn't expect the same cloud of sadness to return but it certainly has, in some ways more so than the first week of uni. At least then, I was mostly excited at what lay ahead rather than having knowledge that it's not necessarily going to be all smiles and laughter. Last time I prepared for this, I had to endure a horrible week full of tears and that's hard to shake. Yes, I love uni and my flat and coursemates but that anxiety and deflating feeling is hard to forget and harder to ignore.
I'm sure once I'm back things won't be as dark as last time or as mellow as it feels at the moment but it doesn't change the current situation or my current emotions.
That's why I haven't uploaded until now this week, I'm sorry. I planned and tried to write certain posts but it felt forced and difficult so I put it aside, feeling guilty but not having the motivation or emotions to upload sooner.
On that note, for the time being, I've decided to drop down to one post a week as I pick uni back up as well as start a new job. Hopefully as I get used to the workload and new timetable, I'll bring it back up to two a week but for now it will just be one blog post and one video a week- most likely sticking to a midweek video and weekend blog post but that will be confirmed shortly when I know what I'm doing.
Thank you for your support.
Love, Steph x
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